"Like Water For Octane"
(We open with a black and white film with several different segments: a street parade with people carrying American flags, soldiers wading ashore from landing vehicle, JFK, moon landing, Churchill, Gandhi. While this montage is playing, a commentary is provided by JIMMY.)
JIMMY (VO): Heroes. Once in a a great while they come along when we need them most. Like President Churchill who won World War II, and Gandhi the peaceful leader of the Indians or as we know them, Native Americans.
JIMMY (VO): The thing about heroes is you can never tell where the next one is gonna come from.
JIMMY (VO): And you don't always recognize them at first sight.
JIMMY (VO): Three heroes.
(The photos change to show now-FROHIKE, now-LANGLY and now-BYERS.)
JIMMY (VO): Three separate paths leading to one shared destiny.
(The photos change to film footage, the breeze blowing LANGLY's locks, the camera angle then moving back and up showing the three in very heroic poses. The backgrounds are red, white and blue.)
JIMMY (VO): To change the world. To make history. Today's the day it happens...
(The Lone Gunmen's VW draws up outside the building.)
JIMMY (VO): You gotta figure. People never see history coming. It kind of just sneaks up on you.
(BYERS gets out of the VW.)
JIMMY (VO): Like when the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbour. You're living your life then - boom! You're swept up in it.
(Cut to Lone Gunmen offices. FROHIKE is feeding a sheet of paper into a shredder.)
FROHIKE: So, we're clear on this, uh? One more time?
(He's collected the shredded paper onto a piece of cardboard, which he shows to JIMMY.)
FROHIKE: Our new shredder policy. Let's hear it.
JIMMY: Paper, si. Coffee filters, no.
(FROHIKE takes JIMMY's hand and places the piece of cardboard on it.)
FROHIKE: I'm watching you.
JIMMY: You make those little guys shoot at each other?
LANGLY: That's not the point, Jimmy. This game isn't about violence, it's about empire building. I spent two solid weeks creating this medieval civilization from the ground up.
FROHIKE: Yet you're still a thirty-two year old virgin.
(FROHIKE looks at JIMMY.)
FROHIKE: The irony.
The door buzzer sounds. JIMMY checks the monitor. He opens the door and BYERS falls in clutching the very heavy cardboard box which he drops on the floor.)
JIMMY: Woah. Woah.
(JIMMY picks the box up.)
JIMMY: You gotta pick it up with your legs.
(BYERS struggles to his feet and closes the door. JIMMY drops the box onto the table where FROHIKE is sitting.)
JIMMY: What's in the box?
JIMMY has picked up a sheet of paper that was in the bottom of the box.)
LANGLY (concentrating on his monitor): Like the Bishop of Orange is trying right now. Busted, you Byzantine hack.
JIMMY: There's something else in here.
(He holds it up, most of the contents on the sheet have been blacked out.)
FROHIKE: Yeah, it's junk. Would you clean this up and don't try to put the cinder block through the shredder.
FROHIKE: (to BYERS) Hey, cheer up, buddy.
JIMMY: You know, guys, not every line of this is crossed off. I see some numbers, a name -
FROHIKE: It's junk. Shred it.
LANGLY: Here we go. The coronation of King Langly. Two full weeks of alliance building and backstabbing and now finally I get to reap the benefits.
JIMMY: Funny name. Stan Mizer.
(FROHIKE reacts to the name. He looks over and sees JIMMY put the paper into the shredder).
JIMMY: So - uh - this guy Mizer -
(FROHIKE points a finger at him in a "shut up" manner.)
(FROHIKE puts the plastic sheets with the bits in between in a scanner and then sits at a computer. He using software which is reconstructing the document. Very cool.)
JIMMY: Can I talk now?
(The other three look at him and then back at the computer screen.)
JIMMY: This guy Mizer. Who was he?
JIMMY: So, what did the car look like?
FROHIKE: The 1959 Studebaker Lark.
(JIMMY grimaces.)
JIMMY: Tail fins?
FROHIKE: No tail fins. Why?
JIMMY: I dunno. What colour was it.
FROHIKE: Seafoam green. (turns to JIMMY) What the hell does it matter what colour it was? Do you understand what we're talking about here? A car that ran on water. Not gasoline. Same horsepower but zero pollution and an endless supply of energy. Can't you see how that would have changed the world?
JIMMY: I definitely see how it would suck if we all had to drive green Studebaker Larks..
JIMMY: So how do you think that wound up in here, anyway?
BYERS: A fluke, I assume. It stuck to the bottom of the cinder block.
(Cut to The Lone Gunmen offices. LANGLY is working on a laptop, JIMMY is looking at the piece of paper. LANGLY yells.)
LANGLY: Dahhhhh! That's it, man. I left it all in the field. There's no record of this pallet 62/67221 anywhere. I cracked into every data cache I can think of - DOD, Department of Energy, oil and car companies, government warehouses, that number just isn't out there.
JIMMY: Did you try the internet?
(LANGLY looks at JIMMY.)
LANGLY: Yes. I even tried the internet.
(LANGLY rubs his eyes in exhaustion.)
JIMMY: Here's what I don't get. FROHIKE's really, really into this car, and then this thing shows up about the car. That seems pretty lucky.
LANGLY: Yeah, it's lucky.
(Suddenly LANGLY stands up and grabs the paper.)
LANGLY: There's no FoI stamp on this thing. Every last damn scrap of paper in that office gets a stamp.
(JIMMY doesn't know what to say.)
LANGLY: Jimmy! It's a plant.
(Later LANGLY and JIMMY are walking down a corridor towards the CLERK's office.)
LANGLY: That government monkey tells us where this came from or we kick his ass. Agreed?
(They have entered the office and walk towards the counter. The camera pans to the counter where the CLERK has his head on the top by the machine which is busy stamping his necktie.)
JIMMY: Oh, man!
JIMMY: All right. Here's what we're gonna do. Byers, see that piece of log over there? Grab that. Simple physics, guys. The passenger side is higher so the center of gravity has shifted to the driver's side. Won't be that hard for me to lift the passenger side just enough so that Byers can slide the log under the axle. Instant jack.
(BYERS and FROHIKE exchange a look and BYERS goes over the get the log. JIMMY warms up his arms and shoulders by doing windmill exercises, then waist turns. He spits on each hand then crouches down, his back against the vehicle and grabs hold of the wheel-arch. He braces and starts to lift the vehicle. It gets enough height to raise the damaged tire off the ground. He lifts a bit further - and the VW topples over on to its side. It rolls over and down into a water-filled gully, landing on its side. They all stand and stare. BYERS throws the log down onto the ground.)
BYERS: Uh, Langly, stay here with Jimmy. Keep a look out.
LANGLY: What! Why do I get to babysit Gigantor?
FROHIKE: And try to keep him from knocking the earth out of its orbit.
(There's a sound of a cow mooing.)
LANGLY: Damn.
JIMMY: It's just a cow.
LANGLY: It's not just a cow, it's a nightmare I thought I'd escaped.
(Behind LANGLY and JIMMY a man slides open a barn door and comes out into the yard. LANGLY spots him.)
LANGLY: OK, whatever it takes, we gotta get these people on our side. Do *not* say anything stupid.
MAN: Howdy.
(He shakes LANGLY's and then JIMMY's hands.)
MAN: It's good to see you.
(LANGLY looks in surprise at JIMMY who smiles and raises his eyebrows.)
LANGLY: Absolutely. Anything you can tell us would be much appreciated.
(LANGLY has the piece of paper. The man turns and starts walking away. LANGLY follows him.)
MAN: Well -
JIMMY: Hold up.
(The man turns back.)
JIMMY: Something's screwy. How did you know we were coming?
JIMMY: No. No, wait. I'm confused.
MAN: (angry) Look, are you or are you not here for J.T. because I don't take too kindly to trespassers.
LANGLY: Yeah, yeah. We're here for J.T.
(The man walks off. LANGLY stands there, JIMMY looks at him in dismay.)
(Cut to a gloved hand and arm with lubricant being put on it. Pan up - the hand and arm are LANGLY's. He's nervous.)
MAN: Right. Now J.T. is a mite sensitive - so take it easy.
(J.T. moos. LANGLY is almost hyperventilating. JIMMY looks disgusted.)
MAN: (to JIMMY) Hey you, get up front and help me calm J.T. down.
JIMMY: Is this one of those new genetic cow breeds? She's got that one gigantic udder.
(The man tut-tuts at JIMMY who's got a little too close the J.T.)
MAN: J.T. is a bull, not a cow. You grab him there and he's gonna kick your friend right through that wall.
(The man is now holding a double barrelled shotgun. JIMMY raises his hands.)
MAN: So who are you boys really, 'cos you don't know a damn thing about livestock. Are you from a collections agency?
(JIMMY with both hands raised shakes his head. LANGLY with his free hand raised shakes his head. At this point SHELLY and FROHIKE enter the shed.)
(Cut to later, outside. JIMMY is pouring water over LANGLY's hand and arm. LANGLY yells.)
LANGLY: Again. Hit me.
(JASON GUTHRIE is looking at the piece of paper BYERS is showing him.)
JASON: J.T. Those are my Dad's initials.
JIMMY: You call your bull Dad?
(Cut to inside one of the buildings. A man in an Air Force dress uniform is walking down a corridor. It's JIMMY. He throws a salute to the cleaner who looks at him rather oddly. He continues down the corridor. He stops and checks back to the cleaner who goes into a room.)
(Cut to office. JIMMY bursts in. It's dark but JIMMY has a flashlight. He closes the door and starts looking around.)
(Cut to a shot of the lower half of someone wearing fatigues and boots - walking down a corridor.)
(Back in the office, JIMMY is checking out a filing cabinet. He takes out a stack of files.)
(Cut back to the person walking down the corridor, getting nearer.)
(JIMMY switches on a desk lamp and settles down on the floor to look at the files.)
(Person still walking down the corridor. We see it's an MP. He shines his flashlight at an office that's been broken into.)
(JIMMY searches his pockets and takes out the piece of paper. He's checking it against a document in one of the files as the door opens. The document is the same.)
JIMMY: Bingo!
MP: Freeze! Face down on the floor!
(JIMMY winces.)
MP: Come on, buddy.
(JIMMY stretches face down on the floor. He's still holding the document from the file.)
MP: That's government property. Turn that loose.
JIMMY: Sorry, buddy. No can ...
(He grabs the MP's legs and sends him tumbling to the ground. A fight ensues in which the MP throws JIMMY against the filing cabinet. The MP grabs at the document but JIMMY reaches out for it as well and the document is torn in two. JIMMY then wrestles the MP to the ground, pulling his arms behind his back. In the struggle, JIMMY grabs the MP's beret and it comes off in his hand revealing the MP's long, black, wavy hair.)
YVES: (talking in a deep voice) You really are an oaf, you know that?
(YVES pulls out a dental plate similar to the type FROHIKE used in an earlier episode.)
YVES: I suppose half a document's better than none.
(She puts half of the torn document inside her jacket. She kicks JIMMY who ends up on the floor against the filing cabinet.)
YVES: What are you saying? That he's dead!
JIMMY: You didn't know?
(Day. The VW drives into the GUTHRIE yard. FROHIKE is driving, he toots the horn several times. LANGLY, BYERS and JIMMY - still putting on his trousers - come out of the house. FROHIKE goes over to them, holding a newspaper.)
FROHIKE: Come on! Come on! We gotta go, we gotta get to the silo!
(LANGLY and BYERS have reached him, JIMMY has fallen over.)
LANGLY: Why, what's the hurry.
FROHIKE: This!
(The headline on the newspaper - Minot Progress Gazette - reads:
End of an era
Silos to be demolished today
BYERS: They're being blown up? Today? As in today?
FROHIKE: Today, as in get in the damn van!
(The four, including JIMMY who's almost got his trousers on, pile into the VW.)
(A Marching Band is processing through the base. Engineers are preparing explosives. There's a crowd of people sitting in a stand, including JIMMY and YVES who's watching something through binoculars. They both look very anxious. YVES checks her watch. Camera pans to outside view of one of the silos.)
(Cut to YVES and JIMMY.)
YVES: Not good. Hurry it up
(We cut back to JIMMY and YVES, who is anxiously looking at her watch. The engineers start walking away from the silo and a siren sounds. YVES looks through her binoculars towards the road and sees a flat-bed truck driving off loaded with an old car partially covered by a tarpaulin. She focuses on the driver - it's FAST, the man who hired her. He sees her watching and smiles. YVES and JIMMY leave their seats.)
(Cut to above ground. The first silo explodes, then a second, then a third. JIMMY and YVES look on in horror. More explosions. The crowd is cheering and applauding.)
YVES: (Annoyed) Sh-
(It's night. A figure is using a pickaxe on a large area of stony rubble. Then picking up and throwing large lumps of concrete.)
YVES: (VO) That concrete you're trying to dig through is nine feet thick.
JIMMY: It doesn't matter.
(JIMMY is crying. He goes back to using the pickaxe. YVES is leaning up against her car.)
YVES: It's reinforced with hardened steel. It's designed to withstand a nuclear blast.
JIMMY: It doesn't matter. You pound anything long enough, it'll give.
YVES: Jimmy stop. It's pointless.
JIMMY: I love those guys.
(Suddenly YVES notices something in the distance. Through the fog walk three weary figures. YVES recognizes them and smiles. She turns to JIMMY.)
YVES: Jimmy.
(JIMMY is still tackling the rubble.)
YVES: Jimmy!
(He turns and sees YVES and the three figures. He realizes who they are and he breaks into a very broad grin.)
JIMMY: Oh, man!
(He rushes forward and grabs the three Gunmen in a bear hug. They quickly break free from his grasp.)
LANGLY: All right, already!
FROHIKE: Don't make me sorry I lived.
JIMMY: How did you get out?
BYERS: We crawled through a ventilation shaft. It surfaced about, uh, half a mile that way.
LANGLY: Underneath a Porta-John
JIMMY: Guys! This is wonderful!
FROHIKE: Yeah. Whoop-de-doo. We didn't get the car. (To YVES) Where did your oil company creep take it, anyway?
(JIMMY makes a leap and grabs a certain part of J.T.'s anatomy. J.T. kicks back, kicking FAST out through the side of the barn. YVES looks admiringly at JIMMY. JIMMY grins. The rest gather round J.T., FROHIKE checking out J.T.'s undercarriage. JIMMY looks over at JASON who grins back at him.)
(Cut to medics carrying FAST out on a gurney. FAST is in pain. JIMMY grins at YVES who gives him a "Oh, no" raised eyebrows look and gets in her car.)
JIMMY (VO): So that's how history is made. Not the kind of history in reading books or Peter Graves tells you on TV.
(The ambulance drives off.)
JIMMY (VO): I'm talking history no-one even knows about.
(JASON and SHELLY are walking, JASON takes hold of SHELLY's hand.)
JIMMY (VO): Except it happened.
(Close up of JASON's and SHELLY's clasped hands. Then we see them smiling and laughing.)
JIMMY (VO): It changed the world by not changing the world, if you follow me. And sometimes maybe not changing the world is a good thing.
(In the barn, the Gunmen are working on the car.)
JIMMY (VO): And what about that water-powered car? Obviously you don't have one in your driveway so you know it didn't wind up in Detroit, but it didn't get destroyed either.
(FROHIKE unscrews the top of a pipe and pours water into it.)
JIMMY (VO): It's still out there, waiting for a day when smart people of integrity get together ...
(Cut to outside the barn. BYERS slides open the doors.)
JIMMY (VO): ... and figure out a way to use it for the benefit of all mankind.
(FROHIKE is driving the car out.)
JIMMY (VO): Kind of like the atom bomb. It's because three heroes knew when not to act.
(FROHIKE is driving the car, grinning from ear to ear.)
JIMMY (VO): But for one shining moment, one brief afternoon, it was magical.
(Now we are looking down from a roof into the yard: FROHIKE is driving the car round in circles while LANGLY, BYERS and JIMMY follow in delight.)
